Self Esteem
Self-esteem is the way we see ourselves and assess our own worth as a human being, and affects how we feel much of the time.
Self-esteem and self-confidence are not the same things. We might feel confident in our ability to drive a car, do a particular job of work, take part in a sporting activity or play a musical instrument but still not see ourselves in a positive light.
Some of the most gifted people believe, despite their achievements, that they are in some significant way inadequate and unworthy. Behind a seemingly confident and capable front, they might feel guilty and ashamed, fearing that at any moment they could be ‘found out’ and exposed to ridicule, humiliation or rejection.
We begin to form lasting views of ourselves and our identity from first experiences in our family of origin. Where those have been loving, we will feel valued and are likely to develop beliefs about ourselves that create positive self-esteem. Where they have not, then the opposite will happen. Where they have been mixed, we are likely to feel unsure about ourselves and have an insecure and variable self-esteem.
We receive further powerful messages during childhood and adolescence about what is expected of us in terms of our appearance, our achievements and the sorts of social relationships that we have. These will come not only from our families, but from school, our friends and more widely from the media and the world about us. Where these expectations conflict with our own inner sense of identity then our self-esteem is further undermined and we can be left with pervading feelings of anxiety and depression.
How each of us responds to these life shaping circumstances will also be influenced by individual personality traits such as our tendency towards anxiety, shyness, pessimism etc.
Factors that cause us to hold low self-esteem are usually deep-seated and strongly resistant to lasting change. They are generally supported by habitual ways of negative thinking and feeling and unhelpful behaviour that further reinforce these perceptions of low-esteem. For example, we get a lot of feedback about ourselves when dealing with other peoples. This will be a mixture of positives and negatives, of which we will typically hear the negatives and filter out the positives, thereby reinforcing existing negative self-perceptions.
Habits such as this tend to get in the way of lasting, healthy relationships (see relationship issues), which in itself will take our self-esteem on another downward spiral
Counselling can help you to counter some of these things by helping you to :
- identify and challenge old unfounded beliefs about yourself;
- learn important listening skills that will enable you to hear and accept the positives about yourself as well as the negatives;
- approach relationships with a healthy level of self-regard and esteem;
- identify and correct negative forms of thinking.